Emotional Infidelity

My husband and I had a big fight on Friday. In order to describe it, I have to backtrack a bit. In addition to the porn, my husband has formed close relationships with women at work during the past few years. I don't believe these relationships were sexual, but were definitely what is called an "emotional affair." And, besides his porn use, these relationships served to draw him further away from me, because he invested his emotional energy in these woman instead of with me, damaging our marriage. Emotional affairs often lead to sexual affairs, which is why couples need to work to prevent them from happening.

I got a great book on the subject by M. Gary Neuman called, Emotional Infidelity--How to Affair Proof Your Marriage, which I highly recommend for every couple. I purchased the book, because I didn't want an emotional affair to come between us again, and I thought it might be helpful as there are also tips about having a great relationship. There are also several articles online about emotional infidelity, which say much the same thing as Neuman.

One of the things that Neuman suggests in the book, which I feel is very important in preventing an affair, is avoiding personal conversations with members of the opposite sex, especially at work, which is one of the main places where people have affairs, especially now that there are more women in the workplace.

Not only does discussing personal things take energy away from the marriage, but when a person starts discusing their personal lives, thoughts, feelings, wishes, etc. with members of the opposite sex, they're forming a bond with the other person and possibly making that person think they're interested in them. It is the beginning of a relationship that can lead to something more.

I've mentioned the rule of keeping work conversations casual or focused on business or work related things twice to my husband this summer. He's fully aware of how drastically these emotional affairs have impacted our relationship and he seemed agreeable to that boundary.

Yet, he has continued to have personal conversations with coworkers, much to my irritation. I know this because he comes home and tells me about it. Yes, it's good that he tells me about it, but he shouldn't be doing it to begin with.

For instance, he went to his old place of work and told the women on the staff that I didn't want him working in the ER, because I didn't "want him to see nude women." That's way out of line, because it's a very personal issue and disrepectful to me that he's sharing such information with coworkers. And then, he seemed fascinated with a doctor who works in the ER, always talking about her, and even shared some jokes with her that I'd given him. And it was hurtful to me that he was sharing this intimacy with her.

Friday morning, he came home and told me how the night before, he'd talked about his vacation to Canada a few years ago (an especially sensitive subject to me, because I couldn't go with him on that trip and now that I know about his sexual addiction, I have to wonder what he did without me) and how our son kept accidentally setting off alarms at museums during the trip. I was instantly upset, because vacations are a personal, off limit thing to discuss at work--except casually.

And that's how the fight began. It got ugly--as usual. And suddenly, he wasn't so agreeable to the rule, saying that in his field of work (nursing) it's impossible not to have personal conversations with coworkers and that he can't help it that most other nurses are female. Yes, he can't help it that nursing is a female dominated field, but I disagree that personal conversations are necessary in nursing. This rule can apply to any situation, any field.

His reluctance to abide by this boundary makes me feel like he still wants to form bonds with other women for whatever reason. I've also felt that his need to bond with women, and the emotional affairs he had are somehow related to his porn use, though I'm not sure I understand why.

Anyhow, in the course of the argument, he said he'd quit his job then, which angered me all the more, because not only did that strike me as childish, but it felt like he was punishing me and not taking me seriously. I asked him how the bills are going to get paid then.

He didn't have much to say about that.

He then said that he'd not talk to anyone about anything at work, which also seemed like a guilt- inducing, childish threat or punishment, accelerating my ire even more.

In all, he acted like I was the one who was being totally unreasonable. I felt like he couldn't hear me or understand the importance in what I was saying about avoiding emotional affairs.

And today, I remain resentful about his attitude. I don't understand why he's so resistant to do this simple thing or why it's so important for him to bond with other women. I can't seem to get through to him that there's just no room for other relationships with other women (outside of family) in our marriage.

I feel like his attitude is serving to make me pull away even more from the marriage. It tells me that maybe he's not so determined to work on things and change. I can't take much more of this nonsense from him, and I don't think our marriage is going to withstand many more of these fights.